Dear Prospective Overlord,
I saw your ad for “Sexily-Clad Minions” on the University of New South Wales’ job board and believe my experience puts me in good stead to more than fulfil the role’s requirements. I’m a professional freelance minion who most recently worked at Virgin Galactic as a space-faring hired gun for Richard Branson, a role which acclimatised me to conducting everything from boardroom negotiations to fuel procurement in skimpy women’s underwear. Some of my most notable achievements included:
- Winning a Chinese rocket-propellant contract worth $6m for the price of a lap dance, meaning Virgin Galactic’s fuel expenditure will be $0 for the next 3 years
- Developing and implementing Virgin Galactic’s cross-media marketing and PR strategy, resulting in a 20% sales volume increase in 6 months
- Pillow fights with Dickie B
In doing so, I’ve honed my organisational and interpersonal skills to meet any challenge – whether it be animal, vegetable, or financial – which my overlords can slough into my enthusiastically-gaping arms. As you’ve stated in your ad, “total and utter subservience” is always a must within such roles, and I’ve been regularly commended by employers and clients alike for my ability to discard any shred of human dignity in service of their business KPIs, revenue growth strategies, and domestic housekeeping duties. To demonstrate that I do indeed “got it and flaunt it“, I’ve attached a photo taken during my stint as a skirt-wearing ninja minion for Shinobi Valley Executive Services (high-resolution copies available on request). I’ve also attached a copy of my full CV which details my time across the hospitality, travel, and professional assassination services industries, and can provide references if required.
If you have any other questions about my career background or criminal record, don’t hesitate to contact me on this email or my mobile at your convenience. I look forward to hearing from you, and thanks for your time.
PS: I won the 2004 Nobel Peace Prize.
(Ed: Change underlined fields to reflect the position you’re applying for, and don’t blame me if you forget to do so before you apply)