I was having no luck when it came to dating – I always seemed to ask the girl out too soon, or not soon enough, or I’d get the words ground up on my tongue, or her bus would arrive too early, or the meal made me gassy, et c. So I wrote an algorithm that calculates the best time and words to use when making a break from the friendzone. I’m making $420k a month from sales of the app, but I’m still single.
I turn into a rabbit at the worst possible times, like when I’m trying to play it cool with a girl or getting told my presentation just doesn’t cut it by a client. I can’t even hop, just sit there and tremble with my buck-teeth at a gawky angle. I told my therapist it feels like I’ve been slapped in the face by a metal bar, only from the inside out, but all he did was prescribe me Prozac for a 1.2kg body mass.