the tamago report

Eggs benedictated

Tag: hr

A SHORT STORY ABOUT ZOMBIES IN THE WORKFORCE.

by MDY

Ever since Bennie became a zombie, he’s been promoted twice as fast as everyone else on the team. It’s not like he’s more productive – and his communications skills are literally monosyllabic – but he works through the night every night and he has an excuse for looking half-dead in the morning. I overheard HR the other day discussing Ebola as a way to boost workforce output. No offence, but his cubicle smelt corrupt even before he turned.

A SHORT STORY ABOUT MARRIAGE.

by MDY

I got married to a kraken yesterday. People often ask me if it’s a case of opposites attract – I work in HR, he sinks pirate ships and terrorises coastal towns – but you don’t fall in love with someone just because of who they are or aren’t. When he wraps his tentacles around me I feel so safe, like the world could tumble down and I wouldn’t have to know. We’ve already picked out our new place, a little cottage by the sea. He wants to call it Atlantis. He’s silly like that.

More Tips for a Healthier CV: Wiggle and Format

by MDY

In our last post on healthy CVs, we talked about how to keep your CV trimmed down and personal for maximum sexiness-effect. Now, let’s get to some of my pet peeves when slicing and dicing your résumé:

IMPORTANT THING #3: DON’T BE MODEST.

Be humble, but state the facts. If you won the Nobel Peace Prize but you’re applying for a bank-teller position, I don’t care if you don’t think it doesn’t matter. You won the Nobel Peace Prize. Significant achievements (and you will know instinctively which ones they are) should be put on display no matter what. On the flip side, don’t oversell yourself. This includes everything from disguising your (menial minion-esque) duties with long words to making up achievements or even entire positions. I’m not going to believe you when you say you single-handedly drove sales up by 300%. I will believe you – and think better of you – if you say you closed around 10 sales opportunities per week, and around 15 by the time you finished.

Better to emphasise your inexperience as an opportunity for you to learn, than paint a picture of someone you’re not. And any good interviewer will tear you to shreds at the slightest hint of bovine manure. Like me and your CV.

Bad:

Promoted synergies within intra-organisational project management workflows with significant flow-on to KPI achievements, which included: sales growth of 500%, internal cost reductions of $200k p/a, opening of Lunar Office (Dark Side of the Moon).

Not so bad:

Managed client-provider communications. Closed around 25 sales opportunities per week and cut costs by outsourcing more jobs to freelancers. Won the Nobel Peace Prize.

IMPORTANT THING #4: FORMATTING

Just…just make it look nice, please? I don’t know why everyone formats their CVs as haphazardly-indented lists of bullet points, but it just looks bad okay? That’s a portrait which screams amateur and hurts my eyes, and I will cut it up mercilessly in revenge. Medium font size, clear headings, none of this “oh I justified my text and now I have a line with only two words on it and they look like they got blown apart by a fragmentation mine” sort of balderdash.

Personally, I use a two-column table in a Word document: one column for position name and date, the other listing very briefly the duties and achievements for each. Some people like to have a single list, but with different font sizes and weights to make sections patently clear. Some people use Powerpoints, slideshow PDFs, or even videos. Don’t care. Just make it easy for me to get a clear overview of your career thus far.

In brief: be concise, be awesome, be well-formatted.

However, following these and last post’s tips will only get you a healthy CV, not one whose fists break through the heavens and reach for the stars in physics-defying glory. Next week, we’ll look at three ways to make your CV stand out – for better or worse. Keep read/writing,

MDY