the tamago report

Eggs benedictated

Tag: love


by MDY

I was having no luck when it came to dating – I always seemed to ask the girl out too soon, or not soon enough, or I’d get the words ground up on my tongue, or her bus would arrive too early, or the meal made me gassy, et c. So I wrote an algorithm that calculates the best time and words to use when making a break from the friendzone. I’m making $420k a month from sales of the app, but I’m still single.


by MDY

I have this recurring dream where I’m running after the girl I love. The faster I run, the further away she gets, but when I stop and look away she slowly shuffles back like Eurydice’s shadow. I don’t know her name, only that she’s someone I lost millenia ago and I can’t possibly let her go again. So I keep chasing, and she keeps running, until I wake up drenched in sweat, my wings burning like the day we were cast out from on high.


by MDY

I got married to a kraken yesterday. People often ask me if it’s a case of opposites attract – I work in HR, he sinks pirate ships and terrorises coastal towns – but you don’t fall in love with someone just because of who they are or aren’t. When he wraps his tentacles around me I feel so safe, like the world could tumble down and I wouldn’t have to know. We’ve already picked out our new place, a little cottage by the sea. He wants to call it Atlantis. He’s silly like that.